I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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