So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
