I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
