my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
You ruined the universe
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
