Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize