Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
