Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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