my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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