to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So squirting runs in the family.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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