watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
