My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
