Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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