i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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