Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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