just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
