Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
