mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
