I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
