I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
