we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
