I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
