On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Swine flu is the new snow day.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
It's shark week go big or go home
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize