i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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