dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
