I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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