My cat gives me a boner
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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