Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
