Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
