how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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