I puked a lego.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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