I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Randomize
