It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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