If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
