I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Randomize
