ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
