im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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