I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He has the fingertips of a God
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
