life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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