I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
