Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
my sisters under your porch take her home
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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