70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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