sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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