my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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