She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
false alarm. still invincible.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
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