The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
