he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
