mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
