3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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