Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize