Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
