M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
