I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
