my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
