Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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