He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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