Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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