In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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