if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
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