sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
